She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am available for nakedness
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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