I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
