I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
