Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
