I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
