apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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