She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
