booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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