Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
