i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
