She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
