She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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