For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
