this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize