I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize