had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
