I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
