Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
why is half of my head shaved?
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