What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
