can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
