I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
