One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
