I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
