I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
