can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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