There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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