I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
