I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
