I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize