if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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