am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
