Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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