We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
