Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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