I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize