Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
