oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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