Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
