my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
