I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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