At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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