I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
