Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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