I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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