it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
