you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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