Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
