Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
