Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
