someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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