Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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