her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
