I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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