Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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