The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Damn victory sex feels great
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
