I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
