Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
